Managing the Mental Load of a Mom
May 20, 2025 | Episode 39
Producer’s Note: The following is an AI-generated transcript of The Wellness Conversation, an OhioHealth Podcast
SPEAKERS: Lindsey Gordon, Dr. Koffler, Dr. Kilbarger, Marcus Thorpe
Lindsey Gordon :14
Mom, Mom Mom Mom, mommy, Mom Mom Mom. When I sat down to write this intro, all I could think of was that episode of Family Guy, you know, the one where Stewie is begging for his mom's attention. It's so relatable, and it just flooded my mind.
Marcus Thorpe
I actually get sent that all the time on my social feed at this point, and I sit watch it every single time, even though I've seen it a million times in my house, my kids are 14 and 12, so they actually scream it from different parts of not in the same room as us anymore.
Lindsey Gordon
Talk about overstimulation, it's a lot. It's a lot.
Marcus Thorpe
Thanks for joining us for the wellness conversation and Ohio Health Podcast. I'm Marcus Thorpe.
Lindsey
And I'm Lindsey Gordon. This episode is a personal one for me, because one of our guests helped me at a time when I really needed to feel seen, to feel heard, and I do get choked up every time I think about it, choked up with gratitude. And our other guest is someone who I wish I could go back in time and know when I had my daughter and I had my son, and I share all of this in hopes it helps someone listening too. So thank you. Dr Elizabeth Koffler for being here and Dr Kristen Kilbarger for being with us today. Thank you for having us. Thank you.
Marcus
I think it's gonna be a great episode, because it's something that we all want to know more about when it comes to the mental load of a mom. So women out there, I'm sure that's super relatable, but for me as a husband and a partner, I want to know how I can help, how I can lean into it, how I can maybe take some of that burden away from my wife. And so I'm excited to sit and listen to you three really smart women and maybe learn a little bit so that I can move on to my life and make everybody's life a little what's perfect for you, Marcus, is we're recording this before Mother's Day, and it drops after Mother's Day, so you have plenty of time to this. Is good timing for you. Is what I'm trying to say. I think I'm going to give this episode of my wife as a Mother's Day present, and then say, Okay, I'm going to do what I just said inside of this episode. See how that goes. I love it.
Lindsey
Let's start with just kind of level setting and explaining for our audience. You know who you are, what you do at Ohio Health So, Dr. Kilbarger, let's start with you describe what you do in the women's health space with your specialty? Yeah. So I was trained as a general adult psychiatrist, so I do see pretty much everybody 18 and over, but I have a special interest in women's mental health, and so I was sort of looped in recently to the fourth trimester clinic, so I've started to focus more on that perinatal period. So I do most of my work still in my primary clinic with adults, you know, both male and female, and then I see a lot of women in the fourth trimester clinic for postpartum care.
Marcus 2:53
Let's talk Dr Koffler a little bit about kind of your journey and kind of the work that you do. We're gonna hear a lot about your personal experience with with Lindsey here, but let's talk about the fourth trimester clinic, really important, and I know something that you're very passionate about.
Dr. Koffler 3:19
Sure, yeah, I actually trained at Riverside and finished in 2005 since then, I've been practicing in Ohio as a OBGYN,and I actually consider an honor and privilege to have this job, because I get to interact with women through every stage of their life. And what really drew me to this job was the continuity of care, and that is especially true during OB visits, right? Because towards the end of their third trimester, you're seeing patients weekly, and so because of that, I'm able to detect changes, both physically and mentally, in my patients that without them actually even saying anything to me a lot of the times. And so for me, that interaction is just actually so rewarding, because I'm a mom and I understand that the journey is tough and it it never really ends. And so I think, though, that there's been really a missed opportunity in the postpartum period to have that continuous interaction with our patients. And right now, really what we do is one visit at six weeks postpartum, and really that is not enough, and so the fourth trimester clinic will fill that void. I will say, I love the idea, because every child that you have that fourth trimester is different. It's not the same every time. So maybe your first child, you feel great and you're excited about life, and you're able to push and then the second one, all of a sudden, you feel different, or maybe it's vice versa. So I just love the idea of plugging into a fourth trimester clinic.
Lindsey 5:00
It gets so smart, and you mentioned the continuity of care, because you're now starting to do a little bit more with the midlife and menopause clinic, which we'll go into in a future episode, because that's an episode all on its own, but it's kind of cool for me, because it's like when I had the same teacher for kindergarten in third grade, it's like I had you as my OB GYN when I had my daughter, and then hopefully, maybe down the road, I'll see you again when I need you for that midlife clinic. But full disclosure, Dr. Koffler was my doctor when I had my daughter, Cora, and you helped me on a day where my mental load had just hit capacity. I've thought so hard about how to tell this story and how to I'm going to spare everyone the nitty gritty details, but I will say there was a moment where I was at your office before work. One day, I was a journalist, and the news cycle was so heavy. I wasn't providing for my son at home, for my husband, for my, you know, extended family. I had no time or bandwidth for friends. I felt like I couldn't keep up, and I was just falling apart in your office one day, and you looked at me, and I'm trying so hard not to cry, but you looked at me, and, you know, I've cried and thanked you a million times, but you looked at me and you said, no job. Nothing is worth this stress. And it wasn't what you said, it was how you said it. And in that moment, I saw you as funny, because you had a mask on. I had a mask on. It was height of COVID, 2022 but in your eyes, you like, shifted gears in your head, and I saw you go from, you know, focusing on the baby and me to just me as a person. And who else in this world has this golden opportunity to sit in front of the person who you thank them for so much. You helped change the course of my life. It's why I'm here today with with this team and and I want to know to kind of pull back the curtain a little bit, take us inside the mind of a provider. When you saw me in that moment, what was going through your mind, and how did you switch gears like that? Because you truly did.
Dr. Koffler 6:57
Thank you, really, honestly, that means a lot, and it it is exactly why I chose this field, and thank you for sharing that, I think, because I have empathy. And so I always say to my kids and to my patients that I feel like I can do this job because I am a woman, because I am a mom, because I've had a miscarriage right and now I'm older and going through the perimenopause phase, so I think I have empathy, and I've gone through those days just like you, and you have to have somebody to just listen and say, You know what? Yeah, this is awful, and maybe I don't have a solution for you, but just listening is often all somebody needs. And so I appreciate you sharing that story. But yeah, I think it really starts with that human connection, which the basis of it is empathy.
Marcus 7:50
I think every woman that's listening probably has been in that spot where whether you're a mom or whether you don't have any children, and you just feel like everything is bubbling up and and you don't know if you can add one more thing to the pile. So Dr killbarger, let's talk about mental loads, especially for moms. How do we manage those things? Are we doing a better job? Who do we need to really help in some of those cases? Obviously, for Lindsey, she needed that conversation at that moment to help her, and she got it, but not everybody knows where to look. What advice would you give to someone who feels like all of that is starting to pile up on them?
Dr. Kilbarger
I feel there's a lot of things that you can do when you feel like your mental load is a bit too much. I think the most important thing is to ask for help. I think a lot of women, moms especially, feel really guilty because they think they should take it all on themselves, and they feel like they're weak or not enough. They feel shame if they can't do everything for their family. But I hear every single day from women and moms that, you know, I feel like I'm not doing enough, but nobody else feels this way, and I feel, you know, guilty sharing that.
So unfortunately, you know, not all women are sharing how they're feeling, and it's making everybody feel a little bit more isolated. So I think just asking for help, you know, reaching out for support from, you know, whether that's loved ones or professionals, I think that's the most important part, I also think it's okay to delegate tasks. A lot of women, I think, have a hard time, because they know how things are supposed to be done right. Moms know how to do it right, and so it's hard to tell you know, your spouse or another adult that you know you need to take this over, because they might not do it the same way.
But, but that's important, because women can't do it all, moms can't do it all. And I think, you know, I think that having somebody else take over and being okay with things not being perfect, it's a hard transition, but I think it's okay to be just good enough instead of perfect.
Lindsey 10:00
I really wish I knew you when, when I had my daughter, because that early, you know, fourth trimester is just so complicated, and when you talk about the guilt, I mean, I completely understand that, because here I am healthy, my baby's healthy. I have a supportive husband, I have supportive friends and family, but I still felt like I couldn't manage the life, the life I was leading at the moment, and that there's guilt with that. I know there are many people out there who would pay to have my worst day, you know? And so it's hard, but it's it's different for everybody, and it's something we all feel as moms. I know you're also a mom yourself, too. Dr. Kilbarger, so how do you manage it. How do you manage the mental load?
Dr. Kilbarger
You know, I delegate a lot. I am very much a perfectionist. So that has been a big transition for me, as I've gone from, you know, not being a mom to then being mom is just letting my husband do things incorrectly, but being okay with it, and, you know, just taking time for myself and surrounding myself with support. You know, part of the reason that I'm so interested in women's mental health is because I, while I was in training, I had my both of my kids, and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. You know, I think society makes us believe that motherhood is rainbows and butterflies and it's not. Sometimes it is, and that's great, but for me it wasn't, and so I had to learn really quickly, to learn how to be okay with things, just being good enough, and trying to lean on my supports.
Marcus
I think one of the struggles that I see, and I know my wife's experienced this too, is comparing yourself to somebody else, comparing yourself to maybe a sibling who is a stay at home mom when my wife was working full time and going well, I can't keep my house up like she does, or I'm not spending enough time with my my kids. Is I know that my sisters are. How devastating can that be when it comes to the comparison problem that a lot of us have, or that imposter syndrome of like I'm trying to do something, or I'm trying to make myself look like I'm doing something and I'm really not. How do you look at that?
Dr. Koffler
I mean, I think Comparison is the thief of joy, right? So, which is very true. And so it's all about the guilt, but guilt is just a mindset, and so you have to just change your mindset and realize like I am doing the best I can. And I wish that I could go back and talk to 20 year old Liz, or 28 year old Liz, because I too, like Dr Kilbarger, had a baby in residency, wow, and I have so much guilt for the first two years of her life because I was so busy and I felt like I wasn't the mom that I wanted to be, but that was my perception, but her reality is that I was a role model for her, and she thanks me all the time for showing her how you can balance motherhood and a career. And so again, it was just my mindset, and she didn't perceive it like that. And who cares what anybody else thinks, except for your children and your family, so I think you have to change your mindset and set boundaries. And when you set boundaries, it is actually a way to keep things in your life. You set boundaries with people, to keep them in your life, but on your criteria. And so I think setting boundaries and then, you know, reconnecting with joy, whatever that joy is for you that looks different for everyone, but you don't have to give up everything about yourself the moment you become a mother. And I think a lot of us do do that and lose that part of ourselves.
Marcus
It's funny, the validation that sometimes you get unexpected from your kid is really nice when they start to grow up and they see the bigger picture. Because my older one is 14, and he's come up to my wife so many times and been like, dang, Mom, you're a boss, you know, just like recognizing that, oh my gosh. Look at all the things you do for us and how hard you work, and the connections and all the different things that you do. And I it's that validation for my wife of like, oh, maybe I Maybe I was too hard on myself of all the things that I thought I was missing out on, but getting that validation really makes her feel good. So if you're a kid, if you're an older kid listening this podcast, gas up your parents, tell them how great they're doing. It goes a long way.
Lindsey
I'm telling you, oh my gosh, I know it's so great to hear that, and hear you share that story with your daughter. And I just, I can't imagine, for both of you, doing something as time consuming and the amount of sacrifice that goes into the medical space, you know, to be able to give your all to that, while also building your own families and and now, Dr. Koffler, your kids are grown, and like going off to college and stuff, and so, you know, I love how you said, if you could go back and talk to yourself 20 years ago, here are the things you would say, I got choked up all over again when I was hearing you talk about that. I'm glad Marcus took the next one, because I couldn't get it together. Why is it so important to sit down and have these conversations, you know? And and even if you're not here with us. The day, and you're listening, and you're, you know, driving or folding laundry or whatever, and we're just kind of on in the background, and you feel like you're part of the conversation. Why is it so important to do this?
Dr. Koffler
I think it's important that everybody knows that they're not alone. I think, you know, one of the things I do most, rather than, you know, provide therapy or give medications, is just validate how somebody's feeling. I share a lot about my own experiences, so people know that what they're feeling is valid, and that in a lot of cases, it's to be expected. And so I think, you know, it's just so important that people know that they're not alone. I'd ask you the same question. I think it's important to what I love is that we're having more of these conversations, right? It's women are feeling like, Hey, I cannot sit here and feel like this. I need to talk about it with someone, my friends, my spouse, my provider. I love that we're talking more about this. I think it's very positive. I agree. I think the main driver of this mental load is social isolation. And that's not the way it used to be, right? You know, I grew up in a culture. I'm first generation Egyptian, where it was a village that raised the child, and so many people catered to the mother in the her postpartum period. You don't see that as much anymore, and that's actually why I love the name fourth trimester clinic, because it is still focusing on the mom along with the baby. In it, you are going through the same physical and emotional changes that you may be going through during your pregnancy, although it's not as overt, because you don't have like a growing belly, right, but you still need that care and that postpartum period, and it's still you have to fill your toolbox with all the people that can help you. And so this is a great conversation starter. And I think that is the benefit that I found with social media, is it's a conversation starter. Women are asking me about their mental health, about their bodies, more than they ever have before, and I actually love it. And I I encourage them to go on social media and ask the questions so they're not left without any answers.
Marcus
All right, so you got to tell a little bit about your story, which I thought was really awesome and impactful. Now I'm going to turn the tables to myself and talk about, look, I can be a lot, and there's no my wife will tell you that. Like, sometimes I try to joke too much, and my wife is like, Okay, enough. Please stop. And so I know I add to her mental load, and fully admit it, this is how the podcast makes you a better husband. So now I need to turn to my experts here and figure out what I can do to help. Because there are times where I'll catch myself and I'm like, is this the third football game I've watched today, and what have I done to help out around the house? How can I be a better partner? How can I be a better advocate and supporter for my wife? And you know, guys, listen up, because this could really help your life, save your marriage, whatever it is. But I think, in all seriousness, like we can be better. What can we do to help, maybe ease some of those burdens and be a true supporter?
Dr. Kilbarger
I think there's two main things I would recommend. I think taking something off of her plate, without her having to ask, and without her having to guide you. So I've had this conversation before with my husband. He says, I'll do the grocery shopping, but what do we need, and what are we going to make this week? And well, what, what ingredients do we need for that meal? And so it's almost as much work to just, you know, have him do it than to have me do it. So if you're going to take something off the plate, like do the planning, and do all of the other things that are involved before doing the actual, you know, act. The other thing I would say is, listen, I feel so often that partners feel like they have to offer a solution, but just listen and validate how they're feeling. And I think that goes a really long way.
Marcus
Yeah, absolutely, what were you saying? No, I'm just kidding. You see, you see what I'm saying my wife, I'm a lot, so how about you Dr. Koffler?
Dr. Koffler
Completely agree, but I am very grateful that I have a wonderful husband. So I will thank him for that. But I will say, you know, a lot of times we use the word help, but I think there should just be certain tasks that one of us do and the other person does. And, you know, instead of just assuming everything belongs to the woman, and then anything that's not done is helpful, or, you know, I'll do this instead of you. And then I would never use the term babysit for your own children. That would be another thing. You know, yes, if she needs a day to herself, then you know, you are just taking over. So I would avoid that term. But I do want to touch on the fact that if we talk about the fourth trimester clinic and really the mental load, I will say the two worst cases of postpartum depression that I've seen were detected by the partner without the patient saying anything. So it is. So important that if you see a change in your partner or anything, it could be, you know, they become withdrawn, or they're avoiding self care, that you say something in that you encourage her to seek out help. Because these both these patients, it was their partner that brought them in, and they didn't really think they needed to be seen, but they did, and so they were kind of in a crisis mode. So I will just besides the, you know, taking away the mental load, also noticing mental health issues, and you have to be in tune. You have to be present. You have to see it, and you have to know what's going on. If you're not paying attention, you could miss some of those things, too. My wife and I do this a lot, where we think of ourselves as like a 100% battery, and sometimes she's at 20% which means I need to be at 80% right to fill that 100% so when I see that her mental load is really, really heavy and it's down, how can I make up for what she needs and help and do those things? And I think that's how we kind of meet in the middle, and sometimes I'm low, and she needs to pick up the pace on some things too. So it's about partnership.
Lindsey
I love that too. That call to action for like, the partner, you know, just the mental well being. If something's not right, something really wrong must be go. Might be going on and help is needed. Who knows? That message could help save a life. It's just, it's so powerful, I think too. I've been talking a lot about my mental load and whatnot, but I do have to give my husband, like, major props, because he's super involved. And there was one example recently where I texted him, hey, my favorite band's in town coming up. And then I was with, I think it was with you, Marcus. And literally, 10 minutes later, he said, bought the tickets, booked the babysitter. And I was like, Heck, yeah, yeah. Like, that's what I'm talking about. I know, I think we were together when that happened. And I was like, Can you I'm like, I can believe it, but that was just so nice. I didn't have to do a thing. So I just thought that was a cool example to add. And like to, you know, go off your example of the grocery shopping and the meal prep and everything. But we're about to pretty much wrap up here. This has been a great conversation, but we'd always love to have you have the final words so Dr Kilbarger, let's start with you. Is there any final message you have for anyone listening on this topic?
Dr. Kilbarger
I guess I want to start by saying that my husband's wonderful. He is not a great fashion exception. Shopping, but he is a fantastic partner, and he takes a lot of other things on. So when he's listening to this, he can know that I love him very much. So I think, you know, I think I've probably said this a few times already, but just please reach out for help, even if you're not sure if you need it, if you just need somebody to talk through it with. If you just want to know what resources are out there, that's what we're here for. So make sure you reach out to your providers, or you can call us directly at the fourth trimester clinic and just let somebody know so that we can get you the help that you need. Dr Koffler, you have three kids, you have a very demanding job, you're very busy. I'm sure you like to have a social life at the same time, as much as you can. Can you feel? How do you feel? Where your mental load starts to really load up, where you're like, oh my gosh, I can start to feel these things. And then what do you do personally to try to pull yourself back or take something off your plate? I'm just curious how you deal with all this personally for yourself.
Dr. Koffler
I mean, time with my family always helps. Talking with my husband always helps. But I actually do a lot of things because I think that like activity and creativity is an antidote to anxiety, right? So whenever I feel myself getting nervous or anxious or stressed about something, I'll do something that brings me joy. I actually love to paint. I love to cook. So those things kind of fill up my time and then distract me from whatever is causing me stress. Yeah, any last piece of advice or a topic that you kind of want to jump in before we wrap up this segment. This is a big topic. It is one of those things that I think we feel more than we always talk about, but it's really important, as we said, to really open those lines of communication. Open. Well, I want to thank you for choosing this topic, because I do think it's so important. And like Lindsey said, I mean, you can make an impact on somebody's life and well being. And you know, Ohio Health is so passionate about well being. I mean, they have a physician wellbeing center that we could go to if we're feeling overwhelmed. And so there are so many places that you can go to for help. And now that we have this fourth trimester clinic, you know, it's going to bridge that gap in the postpartum care. And so I just want everybody to know that, yes, all we seek out help, either from your partner, a family member, or from your provider. I love the work we're doing here at Ohio Health with women and reproductive health.
Marcus
I think it is so important and it will be going forward, right? We are not looking back. This is all about building a new future, and it's a really exciting time, and we know that you two are great leaders to be part of that. So thanks for joining us, and thanks for everything you do for our patients. Thank you.
Lindsey
Thank you. I'm so glad to have you both in my life now. Thank you. And of course, we thank you for joining us for this episode of the wellness conversation and Ohio Health podcast. Before we wrap up, we invite you to follow us on all major social channels, making sure you stay up to date on any new episodes as well as health and wellness topics. If you're looking for more information on Ohio Health Services and locations, including women's health, just go to ohiohealth.com and if you loved this episode, be sure to subscribe and join the conversation. One final note before we say goodbye, we're just getting started, so reviews and ratings help us keep the conversation going. It allows others to find us and join the conversation too. As always, thanks for joining us. You